Top 10 Dos and Don’ts Learned from My Last High School Reunion

by Blythe Jewell

http://funnynotslutty.com/?p=1129

So, last week I received the Save-the-Date for my 20^th high school reunion and most people might start panicking now, but not me. Because every stupid, jackass thing someone can possibly do at a high school reunion, I already did ten years ago. I’ve basically spent the past ten years engaged in a series of random Oh-shit-I-really-did-that cringes and winces and I’m choosing to see the 20-year as my opportunity to redeem myself, rather than a chance to make myself look like even more of an asshole. Of course, those are what I like to call “Famous Last Words” – but we’re going to think positive here. At least I’m going in armed with my List of Dos and Don’ts – wisdom gained through my own pain and humiliation. And now you can, too. You’re welcome.

1. DO stay in touch with at least two people from high school. The first one is the person you will force to go with you to the reunion so you’re not sans high school clique. The second is your back-up, in case the first refuses or gets sick or dies or something.

2. DON’T wear the tube dress. Unless you’re cool with holding your boobs in all night.

3. DON’T take your husband if he’s the loud talker who blurts inappropriate things in already-uncomfortable situations.

4. If you fail to follow #3, DON’T be surprised at the hideous looks you receive when your husband shouts, “Jesus your classmates all look like they’re in their FIFTIES!” the second you walk in.

5. DO limit your alcohol intake. I CANNOT STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS ENOUGH.

6. If you fail to follow #5, DON’T talk to other people.

7. If you fail to follow numbers 5 and 6, DO listen carefully to what other people are saying to you. When that guy you had a crush on senior year tells you he’s now in the Marines and stationed in “Guantanamo,” be sure he didn’t actually say “Quantico” (as in Virginia) before you spend the rest of the conversation expressing concern for his safety in Cuba.

8. DON’T assume the gender of someone’s child, when complimenting them on their family photos. Trust me on this.

9. DON’T remind everyone of your most embarrassing high school memories. Most of your classmates had completely forgotten about that time you accidentally handed a tampon to the captain of the football team when he asked to borrow a pen in the hallway. Until YOU just reminded them.

10. At the end of the evening, when everyone poses for the class picture and you’re five cocktails in, DO remember to hold your boobs in the tube dress.